Computer in Need of Protection

Honorable Judge Cyber:

I am petitioning the court in hopes that you will consider my status as an emancipated minor.  When I was adopted last year I had dreams of finding a good home with my own room, proper nutrition and love.  Instead, my new mother neglects me and her behavior borders on abuse.

  • Nutrition: My mom often forgets to plug me in and drains me of all life.  She then gets grumpy and yells at me (sometimes swearing under her breath) when I die mid-sentence. 
  • Health: I’ve had a terrible virus and still she does not take me to the doctor.  Instead, she curses me when I freeze and locks me away for days on end without electricity.  It gets very dark in her bag without light.
  • Space: I have no room of my own.  My mom moves me from room to room and never asks if I would like to remain on the desk where I feel safe and secure.  Often, she balances me precariously on her lap or the arm of a chair.  When I fall off, she blames me. 
  • Family: While I know there are lots of other people living in the house, I’m not allowed to interact with any of them.  On the rare occasions another human plays with me, we both get scolded and I get grounded.  Yep.  Back in the dark bag.
  • Socialization: Additionally, other foster electronics live in our house, but I never get to see them.  I’m relegated to work while they get to play.  Obviously ipod is very  happy here as he sings all day, and Kindle gets cooed at, cried over and listened to.  But me?  No.  I’m the black sheep.
  • Work: I thought kids were supposed to be taken care of.  Instead, I bust my keyboard twelve hours or more each day to pound out word after word.  And when I type something wrong, Mom slams my delete key repeatedly and calls on the Writing Gods to punish me. 
  • Abuse: Besides cussing at me and beating my delete key into submission, she stares at me.  Creepy, I know.  I feel violated.  Especially when she pokes and prods me with other devices for her own pleasure.  On top of the physical discomfort, it’s demeaning to have your memories stored “somewhere safe” and be shown scads of pictures where everyone else gets to have fun. 

Judge Cyber, I beg you to release me from this horrible situation.  If you don’t, I might simply die. 

Sincerely,

Aspire One

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14 responses to “Computer in Need of Protection

  1. This was hilarious! We all have a love-hate relationship with our computer.

    • I hear ya. Just this morning when I tried booting it up after my quick trip, her screen wavered and wobbled. I thought for sure it was a goner. Turns out she was only teasing. They definitely have their own personalities.

  2. When I got to the ‘she stares at me’ I totally lost it – that’s great, Cat!! 🙂

  3. Dear Honorable Cyber Judge,

    I am Aspire One’s cousin and I live in a different household, but I need to let you know that I, too, am being abused in the very same ways that Aspire One is. Is it a curse laid upon our broken electronic family? Is this the wave of the future for electronic outcasts like us? All we want to do is please. We work hard, lighting up whenever our mommies touch our little power button.

    We know there are relatives out there like us who do not suffer this unlawful abuse. They are given ‘face time’ with their webcams, they work fewer hours, see more sunlight, and are not subjected to crumbs in their fine working parts. Their delicate demeanor is cherished and honored, they are tenderly toted about and fawned over.

    Oh, please Judge, stop this insanity. I beg you, please.

    MacBook

  4. Dear cousin Aspire One,

    You are not alone. Secretly email me at midnight (providing mom hasn’t taken away your juice) and I’ll give you the password to the support group I started.

    Uh, oh. Gotta pretend to sleep, here comes Mom because she ‘remembered’ something she has to do on the computer yet again. (What would she do without me?)

    Stay safe.

    Your cousin,
    MacBook

  5. Fantastic. Great post. I’ll share this one.

  6. My husband jokes that my laptop is my fourth child so I can really relate to this.

    • LOL! I think we do get rather attached to them. Sometimes it’s hard to leave them home alone even when we know—deep down–that we won’t use them. It just seems so hard to walk away knowing how lonely they will be if we don’t hug them every day!

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