Not for the Squeamish

My DH’s been jonesing to kill something.  Yesterday he asked me to aid and abet him in cold-blooded murder.  I said what any good wife should and quietly cranked open the window to give him a better shot.

Let me preface this by stating we have an intruder.  A Peeping Tom if you will.  He boldly travels about our yard, stealing from us and vandalizing our property.  At times he’s been rude enough to urinate on our lawn–throwing us the metaphorical finger. 

The one time I actually saw him sneaking around, I sicced the dog on him.  He cowered behind the outdoor fireplace, unmoving.  Lucky for him our geriatric lab was more interested in my bagel and he bounded away unharmed.

Call the cops, you might say.  Well, I would if I thought the sheriff would do something.  Now I love Sheriff Delaney, but I know he woudn’t touch this case.  Our DA wouldn’t prosecute, nor would our judge convict if we could actually capture our nasty little perpetrator.  I’ve worked with them before and know I would have their blessings on taking care of business.

So, I now find myself a participant in planning a heinous crime.  As I contemplate my role, some of my favorite novels come to mind. 

I love books about crime and law and justice.  A good psychological thriller grabs hold of me until my body shakes involuntarily at the thought of  such people running around this earth.  Westerns, aka survival of the fittest in a untamed land, kept me busy between 10th and 11th grade.  My heart beats for cowboys books about cowboys.

Spies, wars, man against nature…all these and more have found their way onto my bookshelves over the years.  They currently pave the way for me to go from law-abiding citizen to a criminal mastermind.  After all, if it was good enough for Grisham’s characters to skirt the law, it’s good enough for me. 

DH leans out the window, gun in hand. 

Dusk falls over our back yard like a curtain at the end of a play.  And it is curtain time for our trespassing thief. 

I turn away, unable to watch, afraid I’ll see the body fall.  It will be bad enough to witness the red splash of blood against the white snow.  I hear a pop and DH slides off the kitchen counter.  “Did I get him?”

I shrug from around the corner.  “I wasn’t watching.”

DH goes down stairs to put his gun away.  I peek outside, relieved to find the snow intact and empty.  Tracks dart across the yard from the bushes to under the shed. 

No hassenpfeffer stew tonight.

Sadly, spring will bring me plenty of dead perennials–a biproduct of DH’s window-impeded aim and Mr. Hare’s voracious appetite.

I would like him gone.  But then again, I’m just a little too squeamish to continue my life of crime. 

I guess I’ll have to read about it instead.  My current book: The City and The City, a Christmas present from my baby brother. 

What’s on your night stand?

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32 responses to “Not for the Squeamish

  1. Kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit…

  2. I wish I had a good book on my nightstand. I spend my evenings reading facinating things for work: books about employment law and design documents for the IT project I am leading. I love to learn, but these are not the books of my dreams. I would much rather be engrossed in a pyschological thriller and am just waiting for a good recommendation!

    • The Hunger Games, the second in the trilogy Catching Fire, Graceling and the companion Fire, The Bartimeaus Trilogy or Unwind.

      There, no shortage of good reads. The Hunger Games is pretty emotional, as is Unwind. Nice societal impact novels…

      Much better than employment law!

  3. I feel your pain!

    As for what’s on my nightstand . . . a hand-made journal, Beautiful Creatures, and a book about seasonal celebrations in various cultures called In Natures Honor.

    • Michelle, sounds like a good read. I love studying the different celebrations from other cultures. When I did daycare, we would learn so much fun stuff.

      The journal sounds beautiful. Was it a gift?

      • Yes, the journal was a gift from a friend of mine who makes them. It has beautiful art paper on the cover. I should post a picture of it on my blog some time!

      • Michelle,

        I would love to see it. Hand crafted is the best, isn’t it? My MIL embroidered me some hand towels for the kitchen for Christmas. They have beautiful flowers on them. She also made me a gorgeous flower arrangement. I love gifts from the heart. They mean so much.

        You’re lucky to have such a wonderful and talented friend.

  4. Very well written! Had me laughing, too. Your DH sounds like my DH. In the spring we have a major problem with the ‘wildlife’ around here, and I have found my DH hiding in various spots taking aim at the pesky intruders. I won’t watch either. 🙂

    • LOL! The rabbits are the worst. We have a fence around our backyard which means “safety”. They move in by the droves. I think we should start charging rent…

  5. Geez, for a minute there I thought you were talking about me… I’ll have to be more careful. 😛

    J/k of course.

    That was pretty funny though. I’d suggest industrial sized bear traps and an oversized trip switch. If nothing else, you can invite any less-than-pleasant neighbors over for dinner, then…. BAM….

    “Oh oops, did I forget to put our pest traps away. My bad.”

    • Void,

      I would think you have little time for peeping in windows or catching rabbits with bear sized traps with your wedding right around the corner.

      Does your bride to be know you have a varmint plan in place already? If not, I would tell her…it’ll sweeten the package! Her lilac bushes will be safe with you around.

      • LOL, she doesn’t know my plans for vermin, but that’s the joys of marriage. Gotta keep some surprises up your sleeves right? 🙂

      • Absolutely, Void.

        She’ll be delighted as you continue to pull things out of your metaphorical sleeves for years to come. I know I still am after 17 years of marriage.

  6. What a fun post!

    I do get the occasional bunny, but most of the damage around here is caused by squirrels and neighborhood cats. I was very upset for a few months when one of those cats began using the flowerbed by my front door as a litter box. The problem went away when poor kitty disappeared. (I swear I had nothing to do with it. I had mean thoughts but took no mean action.)

    • Patricia,

      You didn’t kidnap it in one of your books did you?

      There is nothing worse than a cat thinking your flower bed is its litterbox. Of course, if we had the cat, we wouldn’t have the rabbits…

  7. I’ve got Suite Scarlett and Soul Enchilada and Just One Wish waiting to be read. I need to check the library and see if Candor and Fire have come back in. Thanks for the reminder!

  8. Those darn rabbits. 😉 I tweeted a pic your way that I know your DH can appreciate.
    Thanks
    Lisa

    • Thanks Lisa.

      That link was hillarious.

      The rabbits are cute when they’re not recycling my flowers into pellets for me to clean up. Oh wait, I guess they’d never be cute then.

  9. Well, I would be laughing at that great story, if it wasn’t for the fact that that sounds exactly like me and my husband. He offers daily to use our poor (irritating, drooling) old cat for target practice. And on a great hunting expedition, I found him a great buck, horns poking out in all directions, pointed, yelled “there’s one!” and hid my face so I didn’t have to see it. *Sigh*, the joys of being married to a hunter…

    • Shawna,

      It’s nice to see you. Thanks for stopping in–especially on such a gruesome post as this!

      I don’t mind eating wild game. Or even dressing it. But the actual murder…not for me. I hate how DH describes how to finish off an unlucky pheasant. Makes my stomach turn.

      Course this is from the farm gal who had to hold the chicken while my dad lopped off the head. You know, so it wouldn’t run around the yard and bleed out under the car…

  10. Wow – lots of good books listed!

    I’m currently reading The First Excellence by my Twitter buddy Donna Carrick. Lots of good action, suspense and great characters 🙂

    • Awesome, Jemi. I think Donna does an amazing job when it comes to researching. I’m sure her book is filled with great character development because of it.

      I need to order that one. Thanks for the reminder.

  11. Poor wittle wabbits!

    I went looking for Graceling over the holidays and couldn’t find it. Fire was there but I wanted to read Graceling first so I didn’t pick it up. Does it matter what order I read them in?

    On my night stand Self Editing For Fiction Writer’s …nothing fun lately since I’m in revision mode except of course for the pic books from my blog…lol.

    • Actually, I would have preferred to read them in a different order. Because they are companion books and not sequels, these two were virtually interchangeable. While there is some character overlap, I don’t know if it would be a big deal. My only concern would be that you could potentially figure out the mystery part of Graceling a little easier after reading Fire.

      They were both wonderful.

  12. Gathering Blue is by my bedside. I’ll have to read Hunger Games….been hearing good things about that one.

    This was funny. Thank you.

    I left something for you on my blog. Do with it what you want.

    • Thanks, Yvonne. I will check it out on my morning rounds.

      I loved Gathering Blue and actually reread it during banned books week. Some books are meant to be perpetuals…

      I enjoyed the Hunger Games so much that I read it twice in thirty days. If you get the time to hunt it down, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

  13. I liked how you wrote this tale – I was definitely wanting to find out who or what your intruder was. Glad it was only a rabbit but hoping it stops bothering you soon.

    • Thanks for the kind words, Cassandra.

      I’m sure it will stop bothering me after my flowers are dead and we’re outside in the spring. It should keep him from feeling too comfortable.

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